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Being American…. For Dummies.

May 21, 2010

We as Americans have become lazy, co-dependent, irresponsible, and for lack of a better word….stupid. We have abandoned our common sense. We rely on others to think our thoughts. 50 years ago, if you told someone you needed to read a book to figure out how to listen to your wife….they would look at you like you should reside in a state institution. We have warning labels on our coffee to remind us it’s hot. We have laws requiring food be labeled telling us how much we should consume. We have self-help sections in bookstores that are larger than the children’s sections. We read books on how to be good parents, how to save money, how to be more organized, how to dress appropriately for work, how to talk to people, and we have even sunk so low as to read books on how to read books faster. Our newspapers are written on a THIRD GRADE reading level so the majority of Americans can comprehend the news. We have machines that answer our phones for us. We use GPS to find out where our children are. We have videos that potty-train kids. We have vacuums that clean our house when we aren’t there. We have labels reminding us not to smoke while pregnant. We have to be told that our shampoo is not to be taken orally. We are told at the beginning of movie entitled “House Of A Thousand Corpses” that it might not be appropriate for little kids to watch alone.

Apparently, we have lost the ability to do, think, or act like decent, smart, responsible adults on our own. We make ourselves feel better by calling it self-help…but based solely on the fact you are reading someone else’s words and abiding by them… we did nothing for ourselves but let someone else tell us how to be. I am not saying that there aren’t some people who benefit from all of these things. There have been people who have been helped by these things. The point isn’t that these things don’t have the ability to improve our lives. The point is…it’s sad that we have lost the ability to do it without being told how to.

Obviously, the reason there is such a demand and need for things like these is because somewhere there was someone who said…”If someone had only told Sally not to use her hair dryer while taking a shower, she would be alive right now.” When all of the rest of America thought it was obvious, because Sally was a moron, we lose a little more accountability. There are people in this world that need to be told that Wal-mart shopping bags aren’t the best toys for infants, because someone somewhere thought they would be.
It’s common sense to me…and maybe to you…but apparently not to everyone.

Therefore, I have realized that I have foolishly assumed that because you have lived in America your entire life, that because you have sat through the same history classes in school, that because you have seen the video of the planes crashing into the WTC, that you would able to figure out how to be a good American. But, how could you? There isn’t a label on the flag instructing you how to feel proud when it flies and how to treat it with reverence. There is no instructional video on “10 Simple Tips and Tricks To Remember The Men And Women Who Died To Protect Your Freedom”. There isn’t a warning label on the Declaration of Independence that says “FOUNDING FATHERS OF THE UNITED STATES WARNING: This is a declaration of the below signed individuals and their respective independence. This is JUST A GUIDE. This document does NOT guarantee individual freedom. Results are not typical. Constant vigilance on your personal freedom is required to guarantee personal freedom. If loss of freedom has occurred, please contact an informed histornian immediately.” There isn’t a seminar you can attend at the Hilton called “Being A Good Boss For Your Congressman: Make Them Work With Accountability” with the follow-up seminar “Being A Good Boss For Your Congressman: Knowing When To Terminate Employment”.

America needs a free pamphlet “Defining of the word UNITED, how to be enraged when your president forgets that Arizona is a state we are UNITED with, what to do when the President sides with a different country against a state he vowed to be UNITED with, and 7 simple ways to tell if you are breaking the law by living here illegally.” We need to a book on how to see voting as a privilege and not a chore to ignore. We need to take a class on keeping track of how your family and your government is spending your money.

We need a big manual given out to everyone at birth, and to every person when they become a citizen. We need a “BEING AMERICAN….For Dummies.” Maybe then you wouldn’t have an excuse. Maybe then you couldn’t claim that you didn’t know that our government is out of control. Maybe…just maybe…you’d learn what I already know, that being American takes pride, responsibility, and courage and if you don’t meet the job requirements than you won’t be offered the position.

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You Sank My Battleship!!!!

May 20, 2010

For this blog…we will venture inside my mind, and reading further may result in extreme confusion, wide eyes, lack of comprehension abilities, nausea, blurred vision and sleeplessness. If symptoms continue for more than three hours, consult your family physician. That’s my disclaimer.

This is how I see the situation with the ship sinking incident between North Korea (NK) and South Korea (SK). For some reason unknown to me…I compare them to twin 13 year old boys who look and act completely different. NK is a short, mean, narcissistic bully who continually picks on SK, who is one of those nerdy kids that is so scared of being beat up by his twin that he hides behind his teachers and parents for protection. The following is my representation of the event.

NK: Ummmmmmmm….D-7

SK: You sank my battleship!

NK: Did not!

SK: Did to!

NK: DID NOT DID NOT DID NOT!

SK: DID TO DID TO DID TO!

NK: DID NOT! And if you said I did again, I am going to kill you!

SK: (to Mr. David Cameron-their English teacher) Mr. Cameron! MR. CAMERON!!!! NK sank my battleship and now he’s lying about it! Tell him to apologize! He threatened me!!!!

Mr. Cameron: Let me see the game board. (examines board intensely) Well, NK…I looked at it from every angle and it looks like to me that you sunk his battleship. Are you still going to deny it?

NK: Listen, Mr. Cameron. I didn‘t sink his stupid ship. It’s none of your business anyways. You can’t prove I did anything.

Mr. Cameron: Well, NK…if I find evidence that you are lying…again…we are going to have a problem. It makes me very unhappy when you make bad decisions. I am going to go think about this some more we’ll talk after class. (goes back to the front of the room)

NK: (sticks tongue out at Mr. Cameron when his back is turned, whispers to SK) Wimp!! Remember when he was all “I’m giving you detention” then didn’t because our step dad (whose name is Barry Obama) was pissed? He won’t do shit…so there!

SK: NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING BATTLESHIP WITH US! It HAD to be you! No one else was here! And if you beat me up I will tell Barry and he will totally do what he did last time. Remember when you threw all those rocks in the creek and almost hit me in the head? He lectured you and took an eighth of your allowance for a week. He’ll totally do it again!

NK: (sarcastically mocking SK’s voice) Watch out! Barry‘s gonna yell at you! BIG WHOOP! Barry the Baby…LOSER! He’s like sooooo freakin’ scared that people won’t like him if he gets mad and is all “Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry and stuff” instead of doing anything. I‘ll beat him up too! I have like all these bats and rocks and bb guns and paintball guns hidden all over my room. Barry even said he searched it and he didn’t even find it all. He’s not gonna stop me.

SK: That’s not funny NK. You promised everybody a long time ago that you wouldn’t beat me up anymore. Everyone will be real mad if you break your promise. Principal Kin-moon and Mr. Cameron and uncle Paul Rudd and our Russian tutor Mr. Medvedev AND Barry will all be really mad at you. I’ll tell them all you threatened me and then you’ll be sorry!

NK: (gets real close to SK’s face trying to look and sound threatening) If you tell on me or tell anyone or do anything like that….it will be war. Think hard about what you’re doing, cause then I’ll do anything and everything I can to make your life hell SK. I swear to Buddha…I will destroy you. I will kill you. I know you think everybody always takes your side, but just remember…not everyone cares about you. Mr. Jintao…you know…step dad Barry’s boss at the Chinese Restaurant? He told me one time that he thought Barry was an idiot and that you were a crybaby. He told me if I wanted that he would tell Barry to leave me alone or he would cut his paycheck in half. You and I both know Barry is broke and he needs that money to pay his hospital bills…so he totally kisses Mr. Jintao’s ass. Dude, like the other day, Barry was all begging for forgiveness and crying like a little girl cause that lady, over on Phoenix Ct. in our neighborhood….um, that Jan Brewer chick….was trying to get rid of the stray cats on her street and send them back where they belong. Mr. Jintao asked him about it just to see what Barry would say, and he’s such a little sissy and was all…”I don’t support what Ms. Brewer is doing. I apologize that someone in our neighborhood would do something like that to an innocent cat. I am so sorry Mr. Jintao…don’t be mad. Please don’t cut my hours…I really need the money right now.” Dude, he was practically begging and Mr. Jintao doesn’t even LIKE cats! He was just messing with his head. He thinks Barry’s a joke. So, go ahead, SK. I feel like Chinese for lunch anyways…

SK: Screw you, NK. You think you‘re all big and bad. One day you‘re gonna pay. I know Barry’s a wimp, and that Mr. Cameron and Principle Kin-moon and Uncle Paul Rudd and Mr. Medvedev are scared to punish you, even though they all grown-up and stuff. But….you know Mom (meaning their mother, Lady Libertea Freeman, Libby for short) is getting REAL sick of Barry. He never pays the bills and owes people money and has never kept a single promise he has made to her before they got married. I give them like two more years, MAX, before she kicks him to the curb. You know it’s true. He even called Grandma racist because she drinks tea or something stupid like that, which pissed Mom off really bad. So, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. I AM going to tell, and if Barry doesn’t do anything then I will just wait until Mom kicks him out and I’ll bet she’ll marry someone who won’t be afraid of you next time. You just wait NK. Just wait. You are going to pay for being mean to me…and everyone is going to hate you more than they already do. You are nothing but a short, tiny, mean little boy who can‘t even ride carnival rides cause you ain‘t tall enough.

NK: (laughing sarcastically) Oh you’ve got jokes!!! Never heard that one before, NOT! I am so gonna kick your ass. Like I said, tell on me and it’s war. Look at me wrong and it’s war. Dude, if I even see you within 10 feet of my bedroom door…it’s war. You never know…maybe next time I am throwing rocks in the creek I will just “accidentally” knock you in the eye. You’ll never know when it’s gonna happen. Mom might get rid of Barry in a couple years, you’re right about that. But lucky for me, that means I have two years to make your life hell without anyone doing anything about it. All they’ll do is lecture me about being nice to you and maybe take away some of my allowance for like a week. What a joke.

*BELL RINGS*

Mr. Cameron: Ok, class dismissed. (motions for NK to stay behind) NK…don’t forget that I will be looking into our little dispute today. I will be calling your step dad Barry to discuss it. Until then, I want you to think very hard about how you treat SK, ok? (NK puts on a fake smile and nods his head) Promise? (NK nods again) I know you have had a problem with lying in the past. I have given you chance after chance and one day you aren’t going to have any chances left I hope you understand why I am being so harsh on you. It’s only because I care. (NK stifles a laugh as he walks out the door)

End scene. Cut. Exit stage left.

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Why Jen’s Going Green…

May 19, 2010

Well, people with nothing better to do than read what I write, you may or may not know that currently I am between homes. We are eventually going to end up in Bethesda, MD but have yet to fill the “roof over our heads” requirement. While flipping through the 200 channels of television that I am currently leaching off of in my sister-in-law’s house, I settled on watching “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”. I figured I could live vicariously through a grief-stricken family whose problems would all be solved with a new mansion and designer furniture. After all, I can totally relate. Most of the families on that show I would agree are worthy of the charity of others to help them out with their dire straits. Not the case with the family I saw on my screen yesterday. Basically, their situation wasn’t nearly as severe as most of the cases I have seen, but the 13 year old son in the family had been rewarded for creating a solar-powered heating solution for their house out of 60 soda cans, some Plexiglas, and old radiator. He wanted his new house to be “green”, and as we all know…if there is an opportunity for ABC to promote their liberal agenda they will jump at it. I am not so judgmental as to say the family didn’t need a new home, but I am sure the fact they provided a chance for ABC to spend an hour preaching about the environment helped in the executive decision to pick their application.

So, the wheels in my head started turning. I need a house. ABC gives away houses to people who create “green” solutions. If I came up with an awesome idea to save the planet from the “Inconvenient Truth” of it’s demise…then I wouldn’t have to find a house! I mean if Tinkerbell can come up with the idea of using energy-efficient light bulbs than certainly I could think of an idea that no one else has had for the environment. Just because I don’t believe in global warming doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to be a savior from it. In fact, in the handbook entitled “How To Be A Messiah For The Church of Climatism” it clearly states that hypocrisy is indeed one of the requirements. Like John Travolta having solar panels on his roof and a jumbo jet he flies regularly in driveway, or throwing a rock concert to raise money for the environment while serving all the drinks in Styrofoam cups and having the most elaborate fuel and black powder powered pyrotechnics show ever. It’s all good in their eyes. Why should I pay green for a house when being green can get me one for free? I can be green for a few days….even though it’s totally not in my color palette. I’m a winter.

Now, here is where I need your help. I have to pick one idea from the list below to submit and get my house. I don’t mean to brag, but they are all very original and fabulous ideas. Thinking like a liberal was not as hard as I imagined! I just thought of something that requires natural resources and then replaced it with something that had all the reason and intelligence taken out of it! It was as easy as Ashley Biden after a frat party. Without further adieu, here they are.

Idea #1: Create a federal mandate that all humans must wear solar panels attached to either a headband (for the chicks) or a baseball hat (for the dudes). That way whenever anyone gets a bright idea, they won’t be wasting electricity when that little light bulb comes on over their head. This will save an immense amount of electricity in a majority of the population. Of course there will be places in which it won’t make that much of a difference since there are areas where bright ideas rarely happen, such as the University of California- Berkley and the MSNBC headquarters, just to name a few.

Idea #2: Put a ban on stoves, grills and microwaves. People these days are entirely way too pampered and greedy. They go to work, come home, and wantt a HOT meal on the table. Well, HELLO…all that heat that goes somewhere when you remove your food from oven. That’s right…it goes into the AIR! The air that is already too warm! Most people even have the audacity to BOIL WATER to make food. Have they not heard that all the water on Earth is too warm as it is? Therefore, if we start a cold food revolution, we can reduce the amount of air that is being made warm by a large percentage. What else will removing hot food do? Well, most food that has to be heated to a certain temperature for health reasons is either meat based or at least comes from animals. We will force the world to become vegetarian and save all the little chickens, cows, ducks, lambs, and China’s cats and dogs from possible extinction. It’s a win/win!

Idea #3: We humans do something everyday, a millions times a day, without even thinking about it, that is killing our planet. Breathing. Carbon Dioxide flows rapidly out of our mouths…swirling around in the atmosphere…creating more greenhouse gases and destroying our climate. Our leafy little companions though, plants and trees, need CO2 to survive. Therefore, I propose we require all humans to breathe into a mask that is hooked to a containment device which can be carried around in a backpack. Then, once the container is full, we take it to a local CO2 collection and distribution center which we set up in every town. Then, we invent tiny little breathing machines that directly put the CO2 into the plants and trees, reducing the need for us put that CO2 into air where it may or may not reach plants that need it. It’s kind of like a FedEx for plant air. Since we can’t figure out a way for us not to breathe and survive, then at least we can make sure that all that breathing does some good for the things that we really need to save which is of course plant life. If you cannot breathe on your own, and require a breathing machine or ventilator, you obviously will not be able to wear two different masks at the same time. Therefore you will be required to live in a facility that will collect all your CO2 in an airtight room located inside the CO2 collection and distribution center, at your own expense. You will not be able to leave this room until you no longer require assistance to breathe. If there is an extreme circumstance, in which you need to leave the facility, and after you receive clearance from a government official…you will be charged a “per breath tax” for every breath you take outside the facility. The breaths will be counted by your oxygen machine. If you are unable to afford to pay for breathing, are will not be allowed to do so anymore. BRILLIANT I know.

Idea #4: We all know drug companies are evil. We also know the drugs they make are normally evil. We all know there is a shortage of plants. Therefore, we create a chia pet that instead of growing what it normally does, it sprouts with marijuana. Every home will be required to maintain their marijuana chia pet. We do away will all drug companies and man made drugs, which will not only remove all their environmentally dangerous factories…but will do a multitude of other environmentally friendly things…like eliminating billions of those little plastic pill bottles that don’t decompose in landfills for centuries. No more Tylenol, heart medication, morphine, cough drops, Benadryl….nothing. Since every family will be maintaining a marijuana chia pet, that will be their main and only source of medicinal relief. If the smoking or ingesting of marijuana does not relieve your ailment…then you will be so high you will not care. Of course, marijuana does not cure any major diseases that we know of. Therefore, we will also get the added benefit of killing off all the sick people in the world. If your marijuana chia pet doesn’t solve the problem…well then, maybe it is nature’s way of telling you that you shouldn’t be around anymore. Natural selection. It’s Darwinian.

Well, kids, there you have it. 4 fab ideas that I believe have a chance to land me a free mansion. Tell me which one you think will do the trick. There’s bound to be at least one or more moronic executive, who is an elder in his community’s Church of Climatism who would be more than happy to entertain one or more of these, and reward me with a shirtless Ty Pennington and a huge house hidden by a bus. Wish me luck!

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The Price is Right

March 24, 2010

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Let’s face it people. This health care bill was NOT about what people believed in or what they wanted for our great Nation. This health care bill, the votes that were FOR this health care bill, were simply about what price it would take for them to abandon their beliefs. All this has told us is their price. Stupak was pro-life. Now, he is nothing more than a sell-out.

Ask me what price it would take for me to support abortion funding. Go ahead ask me.

I

HAVE

NO

PRICE

ON

MY

BELIEFS!

There is nothing you could do, no amount of money you could throw at me, NOTHING at ALL that you could say that would make me waiver on that. That is called character. If someone can make you change your beliefs for any reason, then you DO NOT and NEVER WILL qualify to lead anyone. You are then JUST ANOTHER FOLLOWER.

There is no difference between putting a price on your vote, than a judge putting a price on his ruling. It is criminal and outrageously UNCONSTITUTIONAL. It ENRAGES me and if it does not enrage you than you need to re-evaluate YOUR belief system as well. I receive a little solace in knowing that these people will one day answer to God for their activities, although the Patriot in me wants them all in JAIL for their crimes. Their crimes do not just make a mockery of their job as Congressmen, but they make a mockery of our entire democracy. This is not about health care anymore. This is about ethics, character, and moral fiber. I would have more respect for a liberal vegetarian who would never eat meat based on their moral beliefs than I ever would for a pro-life conservative who would change their beliefs for a new airport or 30 million in campaign contributions. It’s amazing to me that these people, the socialist progressives who are supposed to hate the corporate elitists, are just that! Hypocritical seems too light of a term.

I just pray the rest of America sees what I see.

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I’ll Triple It…

February 28, 2010

On twitter I said I would DOUBLE it….but after further investigation I change it. I will TRIPLE it. You tell me what the average citizen in Haiti or Chile, no…the average citizen IN MY INCOME BRACKET to make it fair, donated to Hurricane Katrina relief, and I….WILL….TRIPLE…IT. Let’s not get this twisted, I feel for these people and pray for their safety and recovery, but I also WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe we should take care OF OUR OWN before we take care of OTHERS. America is a deep doo-doo people…let’s fix ourselves before we try to fix everyone else.

Foreign relief to Katrina

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The Great And Powerful Jen

February 26, 2010

There are probably very few of you that are aware that I am PSYCHIC. Maybe you do know and you attribute my powers to being able to predict liberal crapola before it happens. Whether it is a paranormal or conservatively VERY normal perception…I have some predictions for things that will happen before the end of the year. Let’s see how good I really am. (At predicting the future I mean. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.)

*****FACT: The ocean got chunky…******

PREDICTION: Of course, they will say this is global warming. But of course, THIS part of the story…

“The calving itself hasn’t been directly linked to climate change but it is related to the natural processes occurring on the ice sheet,” said Rob Massom, a senior scientist at the Australian Antarctic Division and the Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Cooperative Research Center in Hobart, Tasmania.

will be downplayed. We will all be told it’s the beginning of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. Al Gore will come out of hiding, the hiding that he has been in since the horrible weather in the north started snowblowing his global inferno theory, to tell us all to move to Mexico. Where he will run for El Presidente. And once he loses he will demand a recount. Seventeen times.

*******FACT: Governor Rick Perry sues the EPA over greenhouse gas findings.*******

PREDICTION: One of his RIDONKULOUS opponents will twist this to mean he hates the environment. Or he likes to sue people. Or he has a thing against mothers…including but not limited to Mother Nature. Or that he is covering for Bush since everything, including this of course, is Bush’s fault. And when this happens it will further support my theory that his only campaign promise, and entire re-election platform should be “If You Think Texas Sucks….move. Then we will succeed. Then we will laugh at you. VOTE PERRY!” Which would be the most awesome campaign slogan ever. Just saying.

*******FACT: PETA pretends to want to use Tiger Wood’s scandal to get people to spay and neuter their cats.***********

PREDICTION: Everyone will ONCE AGAIN forget liberals love to say that animals should be treated ethically “like humans”. Yet, they are all for ripping out their organs and DENYING THEM THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE OR NOT whether they procreate and have kitties. But then again, if a cat gets preggers, they should have the right to choose or not whether they have the kitties considering they are not kitties, yet little feline fetuses. So we will forget once again that PETA is completely wacko. We will also forget that they are broke, therefore cannot afford advertising, so they use the FREE ADVERTISING of their ASININE ads so they don’t actually have to pay for it. And Fox News advertises PETA more by disagreeing with them than people like Ellen Degeneres do by winning their awards. So prediction will come true…and I also make a side prediction: There will be several more ads like these. And they will start raising money for Haiti’s despondent household pets.

********FACT: Harry Reid’s re-election campaign is in trouble. **********

PREDICTION: He’ll lose. And I will laugh. Hard. He will drown his sorrows by playing Blackjack at the Luxor for 29 hrs. straight. He will lose all of his money. Then, he will write a letter to former Ty Pennington of Extreme Home Makeover and get a new house by telling him that he can’t pay his bills and it’s all Glenn Beck’s fault because he lost his job.

Well, that’s all I have for now. We shall see. Pay no attention to that girl behind this laptop. I am the Great and Powerful Jen.

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The Cold Hard Facts…

February 11, 2010

I do not claim to be an expert in science. In fact it was my least favorite class in school. I dissected a frog…and that marked the end of any hope I had of being a doctor. Does this make me ignorant about science? Maybe. But we can all agree that liberals THRIVE on science…the only thing they can believe in and still hate God. Which is cool by me. Go for it. Not my concern.

HOWEVER, I do feel bad for them. Explaining ridiculous theories…is just that. Ridiculous.

Outside my parents house where I am right now there is 34 inches of snow on the ground. Now I am only 5’2″. Which means that it’s over half of my size.

So there is Cold Hard Fact #1: There is snow on the ground.

Secondly, I think we can all agree that if the temperature outside is above 32 degrees..or freezing…that snow will not fall. IOW, if it’s 80 outside, chances are you will not be snowboarding down a hill that day.

So there is Cold Hard Fact #2: Snow only falls when it is very cold outside.

I once lived in a house without air conditioning. *never again, Lord willing* When it was so hot outside I felt like I was oozing into a melted pool of Jen…to cool down I would get out a couple ice cubes and rub them on my neck. Because the air was hot…I used an ice cube to cool down. I did NOT use an electric blanket to stay cool. Because warm+warm= really warm, without exception.

So there is Cold Hard Fact #3: When it is too hot, you get something cold to cool you down. When it is too cold, you get something warm to make you hotter.

Today, someone said there was a direct correlation between the snowstorms and them validating global warming. He stated that the warm air ascends, cools off, then creates snow. Now, like I said…not a science whiz…but isn’t that proving it doesn’t exist? If the warm air cools down as it rises (which I also know warm air tends to do) and then it cools …then the planet is not in jeopardy of frying to death. It is medically impossible to lay down on the snow, in a bikini, and get warmer. If you have hot tea, and add an ice cube, the hot tea doesn’t freeze…it melts the cube.

So there is Cold Hard Fact #4: Warm air does not create cool air…ever…but it does counteract it.

Therefore, if snow to you is caused by the Earth being too warm….no matter what poll, statistic, web link, news article or blog says…

COLD HARD FACT #5: WARM AIR MELTS SNOW. IF THE PLANET WAS WARM…IT WOULD NOT SNOW.

And that my friends, is as simple as it gets. I don’t need to be a rocket scientist, an environmental advocate, or even a climatologist to figure that one out.

But hey, like I said, if you choose to believe it…go for it. But before you leave a comment saying you do believe in it…I’d like to propose a wonderful opportunity just for you. It’s this new beachfront tropical paradise in Fargo, North Dakota I can give you a great deal on. It also has a view of the Dead Sea. HURRY! TIme is running out! It won’t stay vacant for long!


(So there is Cold Hard Fact #6: You’d also be a complete idiot. Just saying.)

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