Catch Me If You CanNovember 9, 2009
Have you ever seen an open drawer of cash with no one around? Have you ever wanted to throw an ex off a building? Was the only thing stopping you the fact that you didn’t want to go to jail? Well, luckily America has the largest loopholes in the world! So here’s how to get away with it.
1. I wanna rape a 13 year old girl.
Well are you in luck! Directly after you plead guilty and are released before sentencing, move to a country that doesn’t extradite. Make SURE you stay in a non-extraditing country. After 30 years or so, you should be safe and hopefully your victim doesn’t want the media attention and writes a letter to say not to make you serve your sentence. JUST TO MAKE SURE: Make a movie or two. This helps tremendously.
2. I wanna molest little boys.
Once again, you can be lucky. Go to court in pajamas. If you have the money just pay the kid off. If not, wear one glove, change your skin color, get so many nose jobs that they have to use cartilage from your ear to reconstruct it and make a hit record. Everyone might make fun of you and talk behind your back while you are alive but you will risen to God-like status once you die. No one will remember you like to sleep with little boys and serve them “Jesus juice”. JUST TO MAKE SURE: Build an amusement park in your backyard. Of course its for your enjoyment only, its not like its a kid fantasy land or anything.
3. I don’t wanna pay taxes.
Easy as pie. Just get a position as the Secretary of the Treasury and no one will wonder. JUST TO MAKE SURE: Make friends with a community organizer. They know all about these sticky situations.
4. I want to shoot up an entire room of people, killing as many as possible
This one is a bit harder, but most definitely doable. Join the Military. Get a Muslim name. Make friends with 9/11 hijackers. Complain about going to war. Be a grief counselor. But make sure your family can portray you convincingly as a victim. Its not your fault. Its not your fault. Its not your fault. Make sure they remember that statement. JUST TO MAKE SURE: have a insensitive prick in the White House who will describe you as anything and everything but what you really are.
5. I wanna kill my wife and random waiter
Simple! Go to USC, Its important you are prolific in making touchdowns. Marry a woman and beat her regularly. One day after she has the courage to leave your sorry butt, go to her house and kill her and anyone else thats there. Get in your car spewing massive amounts of DNA and blood everywhere you go. Get background checks on all cops collecting evidence. One of them has got to have said something that is offensive in their lives. Scream racial profiling and say they framed you. Done. JUST TO MAKE SURE: Write a suicide note, and get a friend to drive you around in an SUV on a low speed chase. No one will see this as a definite sign of guilt. I mean come on, you play football! And you’re good! So no one will question you.
6. I wanna commit acts of terror on American soil in the name of Allah.
Well, unfortunately you might get sent to Gitmo. But luckily they are only allowed to be really nice to you and won’t pour water on your face or put you in a room with a caterpillar. (OH THE HORROR, NOT A CATERPILLAR). But if you can stick it out for a little bit…they will release you to Bermuda with a stash of American cash to start your terroristic ways again. JUST TO MAKE SURE: You don’t need to learn the language (English) of the western capitalistic pigs (Americans) but if you throw the word torture and discrimination around a lot it will definitely work in your favor. And whatever you do, don’t admit the conditions in Gitmo are MUCH better than the cave rock you slept on in Afghanistan.
If you think I am being sarcastic because I think it’s funny, I am not. I am horrified, disgusted and repulsed by the scum we allow to get away with monstrous acts because of a technicality. I am sick of it. You should be to. Is this really still the land that I love? Will I stand beside her and guide her through the night with the light from above? Will God Bless this America who has forgotten him? If I were Him, I would be thinking….”Were Sodom and Gomorrah really that bad compared to this?” The answer? No.