Obama and Japan: The Untold StoryNovember 17, 2009
By: Adam Baum
Reporter, Hiroshima News Outlet
While all of Asia is certainly excited to be visited by the newly acclaimed King Of America, Barack H. Obama, his constituents back in America are practicing their petty American nature once again. While visiting Emperor Akihito in Tokyo, His Royal Highness Obama bowed deeply showing the respect the Emperor rightfully deserved. All of the America news outlets saw this bow, and reminiscent of HRH Obama’s trip to Saudi Arabia, plastered it all over their newspapers and news shows.
What the American news outlets failed to do was get the whole story. Majesty Obama was simply bowing to a leader of a country who America, with no provocation at all, bombed in heart of Hiroshima during WWII.
Obviously, simply bowing down to our leader does not wipe away everything America has done to us in the past. Therefore, once most agencies had left, we got an exclusive look at what His Royal Highness Obama did next. Emperor Akihito was slightly surprised and suspicious when HRH Obama asked him to remove his shoes, but Emperor Akihito complied. Obama then walked into the next room, fetching a small basin of water and a wet towel and proceeded to wash the feet of Emperor Akihito. The Emperor giggled slightly when Mr. Obama exfoliated the bottom of his feet, but was ultimately happy with the smooth, un-calloused nature of his “tootsies”.
Next, even we were a bit alarmed when HRH Obama reached into his suit pocket and quickly brandished a straight blade razor, but we all relaxed slightly when he fetched a hot towel and shaving cream revealing his intentions. After giving the Emperor “the closest shave he has ever had, and truthfully the scariest”, we all expected that HRH Obama had completed his task of showing respect to the Emperor. But, once again, His Royal Highness surprised us once more.
His Majesty Obama presented the Emperor with a small wrapped present and a card. We were all tingly inside wondering its contents. The Emperor, in fear of paper cuts, told HRH Obama to open it for him. The card was revealed as a Hallmark card, with a sad forlorn puppy on the front. Emperor Akihito was delighted to discover when he opened the card, it sang the song “I’m Sorry” by Brenda Lee. Inside the small package, Emperor Akihito pulled out a small macaroni necklace, on a bright red yarn “chain”, and written on the individual macaroni were the letters spelling out, “AMERICA IS SO SORRY”. Although the craftsmanship left something to be desired, the Emperor was impressed with the message. When we later asked why it wasn’t gold or platium, but rather macaroni and yarn, HRH Obama responded, “I just found out my American Express card isn’t actually paid for by Americans, in an express manner, like I had previously thought”.
So, American petty people, please understand that while you may see His Majesty Obama’s actions as reprehensible, make sure you know the whole story before making your assumptions. As far as Emperor Akihito, and Tokyo, are concerned…His Royal Highness Obama is the BEST AMERICAN WE HAVE EVER MET!
*Disclaimer for Morons: This is not a real news article, and Adam Baum does not exist, but the Atom Bomb he was named for does. And we dropped it. In Japan. Which is technically an archipelago and not just an island like most people think. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.