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You Sank My Battleship!!!!

May 20, 2010

For this blog…we will venture inside my mind, and reading further may result in extreme confusion, wide eyes, lack of comprehension abilities, nausea, blurred vision and sleeplessness. If symptoms continue for more than three hours, consult your family physician. That’s my disclaimer.

This is how I see the situation with the ship sinking incident between North Korea (NK) and South Korea (SK). For some reason unknown to me…I compare them to twin 13 year old boys who look and act completely different. NK is a short, mean, narcissistic bully who continually picks on SK, who is one of those nerdy kids that is so scared of being beat up by his twin that he hides behind his teachers and parents for protection. The following is my representation of the event.

NK: Ummmmmmmm….D-7

SK: You sank my battleship!

NK: Did not!

SK: Did to!

NK: DID NOT DID NOT DID NOT!

SK: DID TO DID TO DID TO!

NK: DID NOT! And if you said I did again, I am going to kill you!

SK: (to Mr. David Cameron-their English teacher) Mr. Cameron! MR. CAMERON!!!! NK sank my battleship and now he’s lying about it! Tell him to apologize! He threatened me!!!!

Mr. Cameron: Let me see the game board. (examines board intensely) Well, NK…I looked at it from every angle and it looks like to me that you sunk his battleship. Are you still going to deny it?

NK: Listen, Mr. Cameron. I didn‘t sink his stupid ship. It’s none of your business anyways. You can’t prove I did anything.

Mr. Cameron: Well, NK…if I find evidence that you are lying…again…we are going to have a problem. It makes me very unhappy when you make bad decisions. I am going to go think about this some more we’ll talk after class. (goes back to the front of the room)

NK: (sticks tongue out at Mr. Cameron when his back is turned, whispers to SK) Wimp!! Remember when he was all “I’m giving you detention” then didn’t because our step dad (whose name is Barry Obama) was pissed? He won’t do shit…so there!

SK: NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING BATTLESHIP WITH US! It HAD to be you! No one else was here! And if you beat me up I will tell Barry and he will totally do what he did last time. Remember when you threw all those rocks in the creek and almost hit me in the head? He lectured you and took an eighth of your allowance for a week. He’ll totally do it again!

NK: (sarcastically mocking SK’s voice) Watch out! Barry‘s gonna yell at you! BIG WHOOP! Barry the Baby…LOSER! He’s like sooooo freakin’ scared that people won’t like him if he gets mad and is all “Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry and stuff” instead of doing anything. I‘ll beat him up too! I have like all these bats and rocks and bb guns and paintball guns hidden all over my room. Barry even said he searched it and he didn’t even find it all. He’s not gonna stop me.

SK: That’s not funny NK. You promised everybody a long time ago that you wouldn’t beat me up anymore. Everyone will be real mad if you break your promise. Principal Kin-moon and Mr. Cameron and uncle Paul Rudd and our Russian tutor Mr. Medvedev AND Barry will all be really mad at you. I’ll tell them all you threatened me and then you’ll be sorry!

NK: (gets real close to SK’s face trying to look and sound threatening) If you tell on me or tell anyone or do anything like that….it will be war. Think hard about what you’re doing, cause then I’ll do anything and everything I can to make your life hell SK. I swear to Buddha…I will destroy you. I will kill you. I know you think everybody always takes your side, but just remember…not everyone cares about you. Mr. Jintao…you know…step dad Barry’s boss at the Chinese Restaurant? He told me one time that he thought Barry was an idiot and that you were a crybaby. He told me if I wanted that he would tell Barry to leave me alone or he would cut his paycheck in half. You and I both know Barry is broke and he needs that money to pay his hospital bills…so he totally kisses Mr. Jintao’s ass. Dude, like the other day, Barry was all begging for forgiveness and crying like a little girl cause that lady, over on Phoenix Ct. in our neighborhood….um, that Jan Brewer chick….was trying to get rid of the stray cats on her street and send them back where they belong. Mr. Jintao asked him about it just to see what Barry would say, and he’s such a little sissy and was all…”I don’t support what Ms. Brewer is doing. I apologize that someone in our neighborhood would do something like that to an innocent cat. I am so sorry Mr. Jintao…don’t be mad. Please don’t cut my hours…I really need the money right now.” Dude, he was practically begging and Mr. Jintao doesn’t even LIKE cats! He was just messing with his head. He thinks Barry’s a joke. So, go ahead, SK. I feel like Chinese for lunch anyways…

SK: Screw you, NK. You think you‘re all big and bad. One day you‘re gonna pay. I know Barry’s a wimp, and that Mr. Cameron and Principle Kin-moon and Uncle Paul Rudd and Mr. Medvedev are scared to punish you, even though they all grown-up and stuff. But….you know Mom (meaning their mother, Lady Libertea Freeman, Libby for short) is getting REAL sick of Barry. He never pays the bills and owes people money and has never kept a single promise he has made to her before they got married. I give them like two more years, MAX, before she kicks him to the curb. You know it’s true. He even called Grandma racist because she drinks tea or something stupid like that, which pissed Mom off really bad. So, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. I AM going to tell, and if Barry doesn’t do anything then I will just wait until Mom kicks him out and I’ll bet she’ll marry someone who won’t be afraid of you next time. You just wait NK. Just wait. You are going to pay for being mean to me…and everyone is going to hate you more than they already do. You are nothing but a short, tiny, mean little boy who can‘t even ride carnival rides cause you ain‘t tall enough.

NK: (laughing sarcastically) Oh you’ve got jokes!!! Never heard that one before, NOT! I am so gonna kick your ass. Like I said, tell on me and it’s war. Look at me wrong and it’s war. Dude, if I even see you within 10 feet of my bedroom door…it’s war. You never know…maybe next time I am throwing rocks in the creek I will just “accidentally” knock you in the eye. You’ll never know when it’s gonna happen. Mom might get rid of Barry in a couple years, you’re right about that. But lucky for me, that means I have two years to make your life hell without anyone doing anything about it. All they’ll do is lecture me about being nice to you and maybe take away some of my allowance for like a week. What a joke.

*BELL RINGS*

Mr. Cameron: Ok, class dismissed. (motions for NK to stay behind) NK…don’t forget that I will be looking into our little dispute today. I will be calling your step dad Barry to discuss it. Until then, I want you to think very hard about how you treat SK, ok? (NK puts on a fake smile and nods his head) Promise? (NK nods again) I know you have had a problem with lying in the past. I have given you chance after chance and one day you aren’t going to have any chances left I hope you understand why I am being so harsh on you. It’s only because I care. (NK stifles a laugh as he walks out the door)

End scene. Cut. Exit stage left.

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