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Being American…. For Dummies.

May 21, 2010

We as Americans have become lazy, co-dependent, irresponsible, and for lack of a better word….stupid. We have abandoned our common sense. We rely on others to think our thoughts. 50 years ago, if you told someone you needed to read a book to figure out how to listen to your wife….they would look at you like you should reside in a state institution. We have warning labels on our coffee to remind us it’s hot. We have laws requiring food be labeled telling us how much we should consume. We have self-help sections in bookstores that are larger than the children’s sections. We read books on how to be good parents, how to save money, how to be more organized, how to dress appropriately for work, how to talk to people, and we have even sunk so low as to read books on how to read books faster. Our newspapers are written on a THIRD GRADE reading level so the majority of Americans can comprehend the news. We have machines that answer our phones for us. We use GPS to find out where our children are. We have videos that potty-train kids. We have vacuums that clean our house when we aren’t there. We have labels reminding us not to smoke while pregnant. We have to be told that our shampoo is not to be taken orally. We are told at the beginning of movie entitled “House Of A Thousand Corpses” that it might not be appropriate for little kids to watch alone.

Apparently, we have lost the ability to do, think, or act like decent, smart, responsible adults on our own. We make ourselves feel better by calling it self-help…but based solely on the fact you are reading someone else’s words and abiding by them… we did nothing for ourselves but let someone else tell us how to be. I am not saying that there aren’t some people who benefit from all of these things. There have been people who have been helped by these things. The point isn’t that these things don’t have the ability to improve our lives. The point is…it’s sad that we have lost the ability to do it without being told how to.

Obviously, the reason there is such a demand and need for things like these is because somewhere there was someone who said…”If someone had only told Sally not to use her hair dryer while taking a shower, she would be alive right now.” When all of the rest of America thought it was obvious, because Sally was a moron, we lose a little more accountability. There are people in this world that need to be told that Wal-mart shopping bags aren’t the best toys for infants, because someone somewhere thought they would be.
It’s common sense to me…and maybe to you…but apparently not to everyone.

Therefore, I have realized that I have foolishly assumed that because you have lived in America your entire life, that because you have sat through the same history classes in school, that because you have seen the video of the planes crashing into the WTC, that you would able to figure out how to be a good American. But, how could you? There isn’t a label on the flag instructing you how to feel proud when it flies and how to treat it with reverence. There is no instructional video on “10 Simple Tips and Tricks To Remember The Men And Women Who Died To Protect Your Freedom”. There isn’t a warning label on the Declaration of Independence that says “FOUNDING FATHERS OF THE UNITED STATES WARNING: This is a declaration of the below signed individuals and their respective independence. This is JUST A GUIDE. This document does NOT guarantee individual freedom. Results are not typical. Constant vigilance on your personal freedom is required to guarantee personal freedom. If loss of freedom has occurred, please contact an informed histornian immediately.” There isn’t a seminar you can attend at the Hilton called “Being A Good Boss For Your Congressman: Make Them Work With Accountability” with the follow-up seminar “Being A Good Boss For Your Congressman: Knowing When To Terminate Employment”.

America needs a free pamphlet “Defining of the word UNITED, how to be enraged when your president forgets that Arizona is a state we are UNITED with, what to do when the President sides with a different country against a state he vowed to be UNITED with, and 7 simple ways to tell if you are breaking the law by living here illegally.” We need to a book on how to see voting as a privilege and not a chore to ignore. We need to take a class on keeping track of how your family and your government is spending your money.

We need a big manual given out to everyone at birth, and to every person when they become a citizen. We need a “BEING AMERICAN….For Dummies.” Maybe then you wouldn’t have an excuse. Maybe then you couldn’t claim that you didn’t know that our government is out of control. Maybe…just maybe…you’d learn what I already know, that being American takes pride, responsibility, and courage and if you don’t meet the job requirements than you won’t be offered the position.

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Why Jen’s Going Green…

May 19, 2010

Well, people with nothing better to do than read what I write, you may or may not know that currently I am between homes. We are eventually going to end up in Bethesda, MD but have yet to fill the “roof over our heads” requirement. While flipping through the 200 channels of television that I am currently leaching off of in my sister-in-law’s house, I settled on watching “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”. I figured I could live vicariously through a grief-stricken family whose problems would all be solved with a new mansion and designer furniture. After all, I can totally relate. Most of the families on that show I would agree are worthy of the charity of others to help them out with their dire straits. Not the case with the family I saw on my screen yesterday. Basically, their situation wasn’t nearly as severe as most of the cases I have seen, but the 13 year old son in the family had been rewarded for creating a solar-powered heating solution for their house out of 60 soda cans, some Plexiglas, and old radiator. He wanted his new house to be “green”, and as we all know…if there is an opportunity for ABC to promote their liberal agenda they will jump at it. I am not so judgmental as to say the family didn’t need a new home, but I am sure the fact they provided a chance for ABC to spend an hour preaching about the environment helped in the executive decision to pick their application.

So, the wheels in my head started turning. I need a house. ABC gives away houses to people who create “green” solutions. If I came up with an awesome idea to save the planet from the “Inconvenient Truth” of it’s demise…then I wouldn’t have to find a house! I mean if Tinkerbell can come up with the idea of using energy-efficient light bulbs than certainly I could think of an idea that no one else has had for the environment. Just because I don’t believe in global warming doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to be a savior from it. In fact, in the handbook entitled “How To Be A Messiah For The Church of Climatism” it clearly states that hypocrisy is indeed one of the requirements. Like John Travolta having solar panels on his roof and a jumbo jet he flies regularly in driveway, or throwing a rock concert to raise money for the environment while serving all the drinks in Styrofoam cups and having the most elaborate fuel and black powder powered pyrotechnics show ever. It’s all good in their eyes. Why should I pay green for a house when being green can get me one for free? I can be green for a few days….even though it’s totally not in my color palette. I’m a winter.

Now, here is where I need your help. I have to pick one idea from the list below to submit and get my house. I don’t mean to brag, but they are all very original and fabulous ideas. Thinking like a liberal was not as hard as I imagined! I just thought of something that requires natural resources and then replaced it with something that had all the reason and intelligence taken out of it! It was as easy as Ashley Biden after a frat party. Without further adieu, here they are.

Idea #1: Create a federal mandate that all humans must wear solar panels attached to either a headband (for the chicks) or a baseball hat (for the dudes). That way whenever anyone gets a bright idea, they won’t be wasting electricity when that little light bulb comes on over their head. This will save an immense amount of electricity in a majority of the population. Of course there will be places in which it won’t make that much of a difference since there are areas where bright ideas rarely happen, such as the University of California- Berkley and the MSNBC headquarters, just to name a few.

Idea #2: Put a ban on stoves, grills and microwaves. People these days are entirely way too pampered and greedy. They go to work, come home, and wantt a HOT meal on the table. Well, HELLO…all that heat that goes somewhere when you remove your food from oven. That’s right…it goes into the AIR! The air that is already too warm! Most people even have the audacity to BOIL WATER to make food. Have they not heard that all the water on Earth is too warm as it is? Therefore, if we start a cold food revolution, we can reduce the amount of air that is being made warm by a large percentage. What else will removing hot food do? Well, most food that has to be heated to a certain temperature for health reasons is either meat based or at least comes from animals. We will force the world to become vegetarian and save all the little chickens, cows, ducks, lambs, and China’s cats and dogs from possible extinction. It’s a win/win!

Idea #3: We humans do something everyday, a millions times a day, without even thinking about it, that is killing our planet. Breathing. Carbon Dioxide flows rapidly out of our mouths…swirling around in the atmosphere…creating more greenhouse gases and destroying our climate. Our leafy little companions though, plants and trees, need CO2 to survive. Therefore, I propose we require all humans to breathe into a mask that is hooked to a containment device which can be carried around in a backpack. Then, once the container is full, we take it to a local CO2 collection and distribution center which we set up in every town. Then, we invent tiny little breathing machines that directly put the CO2 into the plants and trees, reducing the need for us put that CO2 into air where it may or may not reach plants that need it. It’s kind of like a FedEx for plant air. Since we can’t figure out a way for us not to breathe and survive, then at least we can make sure that all that breathing does some good for the things that we really need to save which is of course plant life. If you cannot breathe on your own, and require a breathing machine or ventilator, you obviously will not be able to wear two different masks at the same time. Therefore you will be required to live in a facility that will collect all your CO2 in an airtight room located inside the CO2 collection and distribution center, at your own expense. You will not be able to leave this room until you no longer require assistance to breathe. If there is an extreme circumstance, in which you need to leave the facility, and after you receive clearance from a government official…you will be charged a “per breath tax” for every breath you take outside the facility. The breaths will be counted by your oxygen machine. If you are unable to afford to pay for breathing, are will not be allowed to do so anymore. BRILLIANT I know.

Idea #4: We all know drug companies are evil. We also know the drugs they make are normally evil. We all know there is a shortage of plants. Therefore, we create a chia pet that instead of growing what it normally does, it sprouts with marijuana. Every home will be required to maintain their marijuana chia pet. We do away will all drug companies and man made drugs, which will not only remove all their environmentally dangerous factories…but will do a multitude of other environmentally friendly things…like eliminating billions of those little plastic pill bottles that don’t decompose in landfills for centuries. No more Tylenol, heart medication, morphine, cough drops, Benadryl….nothing. Since every family will be maintaining a marijuana chia pet, that will be their main and only source of medicinal relief. If the smoking or ingesting of marijuana does not relieve your ailment…then you will be so high you will not care. Of course, marijuana does not cure any major diseases that we know of. Therefore, we will also get the added benefit of killing off all the sick people in the world. If your marijuana chia pet doesn’t solve the problem…well then, maybe it is nature’s way of telling you that you shouldn’t be around anymore. Natural selection. It’s Darwinian.

Well, kids, there you have it. 4 fab ideas that I believe have a chance to land me a free mansion. Tell me which one you think will do the trick. There’s bound to be at least one or more moronic executive, who is an elder in his community’s Church of Climatism who would be more than happy to entertain one or more of these, and reward me with a shirtless Ty Pennington and a huge house hidden by a bus. Wish me luck!

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I’ll Triple It…

February 28, 2010

On twitter I said I would DOUBLE it….but after further investigation I change it. I will TRIPLE it. You tell me what the average citizen in Haiti or Chile, no…the average citizen IN MY INCOME BRACKET to make it fair, donated to Hurricane Katrina relief, and I….WILL….TRIPLE…IT. Let’s not get this twisted, I feel for these people and pray for their safety and recovery, but I also WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe we should take care OF OUR OWN before we take care of OTHERS. America is a deep doo-doo people…let’s fix ourselves before we try to fix everyone else.

Foreign relief to Katrina

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The Great And Powerful Jen

February 26, 2010

There are probably very few of you that are aware that I am PSYCHIC. Maybe you do know and you attribute my powers to being able to predict liberal crapola before it happens. Whether it is a paranormal or conservatively VERY normal perception…I have some predictions for things that will happen before the end of the year. Let’s see how good I really am. (At predicting the future I mean. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.)

*****FACT: The ocean got chunky…******

PREDICTION: Of course, they will say this is global warming. But of course, THIS part of the story…

“The calving itself hasn’t been directly linked to climate change but it is related to the natural processes occurring on the ice sheet,” said Rob Massom, a senior scientist at the Australian Antarctic Division and the Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Cooperative Research Center in Hobart, Tasmania.

will be downplayed. We will all be told it’s the beginning of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. Al Gore will come out of hiding, the hiding that he has been in since the horrible weather in the north started snowblowing his global inferno theory, to tell us all to move to Mexico. Where he will run for El Presidente. And once he loses he will demand a recount. Seventeen times.

*******FACT: Governor Rick Perry sues the EPA over greenhouse gas findings.*******

PREDICTION: One of his RIDONKULOUS opponents will twist this to mean he hates the environment. Or he likes to sue people. Or he has a thing against mothers…including but not limited to Mother Nature. Or that he is covering for Bush since everything, including this of course, is Bush’s fault. And when this happens it will further support my theory that his only campaign promise, and entire re-election platform should be “If You Think Texas Sucks….move. Then we will succeed. Then we will laugh at you. VOTE PERRY!” Which would be the most awesome campaign slogan ever. Just saying.

*******FACT: PETA pretends to want to use Tiger Wood’s scandal to get people to spay and neuter their cats.***********

PREDICTION: Everyone will ONCE AGAIN forget liberals love to say that animals should be treated ethically “like humans”. Yet, they are all for ripping out their organs and DENYING THEM THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE OR NOT whether they procreate and have kitties. But then again, if a cat gets preggers, they should have the right to choose or not whether they have the kitties considering they are not kitties, yet little feline fetuses. So we will forget once again that PETA is completely wacko. We will also forget that they are broke, therefore cannot afford advertising, so they use the FREE ADVERTISING of their ASININE ads so they don’t actually have to pay for it. And Fox News advertises PETA more by disagreeing with them than people like Ellen Degeneres do by winning their awards. So prediction will come true…and I also make a side prediction: There will be several more ads like these. And they will start raising money for Haiti’s despondent household pets.

********FACT: Harry Reid’s re-election campaign is in trouble. **********

PREDICTION: He’ll lose. And I will laugh. Hard. He will drown his sorrows by playing Blackjack at the Luxor for 29 hrs. straight. He will lose all of his money. Then, he will write a letter to former Ty Pennington of Extreme Home Makeover and get a new house by telling him that he can’t pay his bills and it’s all Glenn Beck’s fault because he lost his job.

Well, that’s all I have for now. We shall see. Pay no attention to that girl behind this laptop. I am the Great and Powerful Jen.

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Scared For The USA

February 9, 2010

On a day in November
the Liberals got their way
Obama is now the President
And I am scared for the USA

He promised to give us hope
And make the terrorists pay
Instead he’s done nothing
And I am scared for the USA

He decided we needed money
To China he made his way
Now we owe them trillions
And I am scared for the USA

The people said no to healthcare
But he was determined anyway
To ignore what we really want
And I am scared for the USA

He has visited every country
And thought bowing was okay
He made us seem weak and sorry
And I am scared for the USA

When I say I don’t like him
I’m a racist is what they say
But really it’s just his policies
And I am scared for the USA

Secret meetings of Congress
Where Republicians couldn’t stay
He is sneaky and deliberate
And I am scared for the USA

So many people don’t vote
Even the majority began to sway
My Country is in ruins
And I am scared for the USA

I don’t want to be angry
Appalled each and everyday
It’s relentless and it’s dismal
And I am scared for the USA

So STAND UP all Americans
Say “Stop taking all my pay!”
if we continue to remain silent
Will you be scared for the USA?

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Filed Under “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not”

January 20, 2010

As some of you may be aware…lately there has been an influx of atheists questioning me about my faith in God. I am not precisely sure why, out of the millions of Christians on Twitter, that this group has targeted me…but I see it as a testament to my character. It makes me feel blessed and renewed knowing my faith is shining through boldly and brightly in my words. God has placed these people in my path for a reason and I gladly welcome them there.

So, two particular atheists…@BibleAlsoSays and @iComix ….have dedicated an rather absurd amount of time dissecting my every thought. @BibleAlsoSays has followed me for some time and while I don’t return the follow, I always respond to his comments. @iComix found me I assume through the first’s RTs of my statements. Last night, he and I tweeted back and forth for a while. The conversation ended in him blocking me (which was overly excessive considering I didn’t even follow him to be begin with and never had contacted him before LOL). He said repeatedly that we argued…but in all actuality he asked me tons of questions, I answered, and he mocked me. If this brought him some semblance of accomplishment, then I am glad I could be of service.

That’s where the normal hatred of my Christianity ends. Those kind of things happen to almost every Christian I know. They were not the first and definitely will not be the last. So up until this point it was “just another day in my Twitter office.” Then it became a bit bizarre. @iComix was so very upset I did not believe in evolution that he
1. yelled at me in all capitals “DO NO EVER MISREPRESENT SCIENCE EVER AGAIN”
2. Blocked me
Then………..
3. Made a 22 minute video about how much he despised me.
*which you can watch HERE *

Some people might feel angry about a 22 minute video being posted as a result of someone’s hatred of you. But I mostly feel….accomplished and proud. It’s kind of a badge of honor is it not? I so deeply effected this individual’s life that he felt the need to share with the world that I believe in God.

My mother said often when I was growing up, “If being a Christian was a crime, and you were accused of that crime, and someone took you into a court of law to convict you…would they be able to present enough evidence to convict you of being a Christian beyond a reasonable doubt?” Meaning, of course, that the evidence of your Christianity should be blatant and irrefutable. That video was clear and concise evidence that I am a Christian and I am proud of my Christianity.

So, in conclusion, THANK YOU @BibleAlsoSays and @iComix for making me feel even prouder of my faith. Thank you for recognizing how strong I am in my beliefs. Thank you for questioning me, because without people questioning you, you may become lax in your beliefs. Thank you.

(P.S. I did get angry at the continued attacks on my character last night. I do have a problem immediately finding peace in the face of vicious accusations. I prayed last night for God to forgive me for becoming indignant, and also for Him to grant me the ability to take their words and realize they say them because they do not know His love. I also asked that He forgive them for their words, and that they will be led to one day serve Him and join me in Heaven.)

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SURPRISE! No, not really.

November 30, 2009

Being a person of marginal (at best) intelligence, I don’t expect everything in life to make sense. But in the past weeks, events have taken place that don’t surprise me at all. And I really have no clue how anyone else is surprised by them, or how they don’t make sense to them.

~ COUPLE SNEAKS INTO WHITE HOUSE DINNER AND TAKES PICTURE WITH JOE BIDEN: Not surprising. They were probably too afraid of making someone accidentally angry by asking the couple too many questions. Afterall, they could have been Muslim! And Joe Biden? Please. We’re lucky he knows how to find the White House. Although his daughter is rather apt at finding white things, especially under her nose. OH SNAP.

~CLIMATEGATE BREAKS AND NOTHING MAJOR HAPPENS: Silly Conservatives, scandals are only interesting when perpetrated by our side. Nothing EVER major happens when a Liberal does it. Case in point: if a Conservative shoved a cigar into an intern’s naughty place and then lied about it, I’m sorry was ‘speaking in definitions no one knew existed’, not only would he be impeached, but driven out of the Country. A liberal does it and is defended by every member of his party to this day. It would take a lot more than a couple of emails for the liberals to admit Global Warming is a scam. After all, the emails wouldn’t have even existed if the Wonderboy of All Things Warming Globally Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet.

~ IRAN IGNORES CENSURE AND SAYS IT PLANS TO BUILD 10 NEW NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS: NO! Really? Ignores the censure? Has anyone ever NOT ignored a censure? A U.N. censure these days is the equivalent to a Mom setting a plate of cookies in front of her kid and telling him “Don’t touch them or else” when she has never punished him before so he knows he can eat as many as he wants with no consequences besides his own rotting teeth. The surprise would be if Iran complied with ANYTHING, EVER. They’re rebels with a cause, and that cause is to blow anything American or remotely Israeli off the face of the planet.

~ LIBERAL MEDIA ATTACKS YOUNG PALIN SUPPORTER AT BOOK SIGNING: No shocker there. She wore a t-shirt. She asked for it! Forget the fact she can’t vote yet! She obviously supports Palin and should therefore know every word the woman has ever spoken, and carry note cards around in her purse to be able to combat any questions she may encounter at a notoriously hostile venue like Barnes and Noble. Everyone knows, go to a bookstore…bring note cards to justify buying a person’s book. Well just last week, I was at my own Barnes and Noble and was going to buy a book on crocheting, but when I failed to answer a question on the article name of the first written reference of crocheting in The Memoirs of a Highland Lady in 1812 was denied my purchase. It was my fault for being unprepared.

~ ADAM LAMBERT CAUSES SCANDAL WITH AMA PERFORMANCE, SAYS HE’S NOT A “BABYSITTER”: Actually I am kinda surprised, or at least I wouldn’t be if I remembered who Adam Lambert was or cared. But after I googled him and the performance, and his subsequent statements, I wasn’t surprised. Another artist says “It’s not my fault what I do in publicly. It’s not like anyone under the age of 18 watches TV without their parents around.” On a side note, I am going to have to remember to ask my babysitters when I have kids “Do you plan on rubbing people’s faces in your groin and/or same gender kissing? If so, I heard that’s not babysitter behavior, but I was unaware until 2009 when Adam Lambert told me it wasn’t.” We all own him a debt of gratitude for that nugget of information. Until then, I was sure all babysitters did that if you paid them enough.

~ OBAMA JOKES ABOUT JOBS CREATED AT TURKEY PARDONING CEREMONY: Surprised? No. The only parts that surprised me about this whole ceremony were these two things. 1. Obama pardoned the Turkey without commissioning an independent council to determine the nature of the turkey’s alleged crimes that led to his detaining, then after the commission reported it’s findings, they didn’t ship the turkey to a U.S. court, giving him a public defender since turkey pay is minimal, full constitutional rights, and a jury of his turkey peers. 2. The turkey, whose name was Courage, was given to Disneyworld following the ceremony. I was banking on him giving him to PETA so he could then marry a naked celebrity vegetarian and they could live happily ever after.

So, what’s the moral of this post? When you have really low expectations for people, it never surprises me when they don’t even meet the lowest you expect.

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