Posts Tagged ‘Global Warming’

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Why Jen’s Going Green…

May 19, 2010

Well, people with nothing better to do than read what I write, you may or may not know that currently I am between homes. We are eventually going to end up in Bethesda, MD but have yet to fill the “roof over our heads” requirement. While flipping through the 200 channels of television that I am currently leaching off of in my sister-in-law’s house, I settled on watching “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”. I figured I could live vicariously through a grief-stricken family whose problems would all be solved with a new mansion and designer furniture. After all, I can totally relate. Most of the families on that show I would agree are worthy of the charity of others to help them out with their dire straits. Not the case with the family I saw on my screen yesterday. Basically, their situation wasn’t nearly as severe as most of the cases I have seen, but the 13 year old son in the family had been rewarded for creating a solar-powered heating solution for their house out of 60 soda cans, some Plexiglas, and old radiator. He wanted his new house to be “green”, and as we all know…if there is an opportunity for ABC to promote their liberal agenda they will jump at it. I am not so judgmental as to say the family didn’t need a new home, but I am sure the fact they provided a chance for ABC to spend an hour preaching about the environment helped in the executive decision to pick their application.

So, the wheels in my head started turning. I need a house. ABC gives away houses to people who create “green” solutions. If I came up with an awesome idea to save the planet from the “Inconvenient Truth” of it’s demise…then I wouldn’t have to find a house! I mean if Tinkerbell can come up with the idea of using energy-efficient light bulbs than certainly I could think of an idea that no one else has had for the environment. Just because I don’t believe in global warming doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to be a savior from it. In fact, in the handbook entitled “How To Be A Messiah For The Church of Climatism” it clearly states that hypocrisy is indeed one of the requirements. Like John Travolta having solar panels on his roof and a jumbo jet he flies regularly in driveway, or throwing a rock concert to raise money for the environment while serving all the drinks in Styrofoam cups and having the most elaborate fuel and black powder powered pyrotechnics show ever. It’s all good in their eyes. Why should I pay green for a house when being green can get me one for free? I can be green for a few days….even though it’s totally not in my color palette. I’m a winter.

Now, here is where I need your help. I have to pick one idea from the list below to submit and get my house. I don’t mean to brag, but they are all very original and fabulous ideas. Thinking like a liberal was not as hard as I imagined! I just thought of something that requires natural resources and then replaced it with something that had all the reason and intelligence taken out of it! It was as easy as Ashley Biden after a frat party. Without further adieu, here they are.

Idea #1: Create a federal mandate that all humans must wear solar panels attached to either a headband (for the chicks) or a baseball hat (for the dudes). That way whenever anyone gets a bright idea, they won’t be wasting electricity when that little light bulb comes on over their head. This will save an immense amount of electricity in a majority of the population. Of course there will be places in which it won’t make that much of a difference since there are areas where bright ideas rarely happen, such as the University of California- Berkley and the MSNBC headquarters, just to name a few.

Idea #2: Put a ban on stoves, grills and microwaves. People these days are entirely way too pampered and greedy. They go to work, come home, and wantt a HOT meal on the table. Well, HELLO…all that heat that goes somewhere when you remove your food from oven. That’s right…it goes into the AIR! The air that is already too warm! Most people even have the audacity to BOIL WATER to make food. Have they not heard that all the water on Earth is too warm as it is? Therefore, if we start a cold food revolution, we can reduce the amount of air that is being made warm by a large percentage. What else will removing hot food do? Well, most food that has to be heated to a certain temperature for health reasons is either meat based or at least comes from animals. We will force the world to become vegetarian and save all the little chickens, cows, ducks, lambs, and China’s cats and dogs from possible extinction. It’s a win/win!

Idea #3: We humans do something everyday, a millions times a day, without even thinking about it, that is killing our planet. Breathing. Carbon Dioxide flows rapidly out of our mouths…swirling around in the atmosphere…creating more greenhouse gases and destroying our climate. Our leafy little companions though, plants and trees, need CO2 to survive. Therefore, I propose we require all humans to breathe into a mask that is hooked to a containment device which can be carried around in a backpack. Then, once the container is full, we take it to a local CO2 collection and distribution center which we set up in every town. Then, we invent tiny little breathing machines that directly put the CO2 into the plants and trees, reducing the need for us put that CO2 into air where it may or may not reach plants that need it. It’s kind of like a FedEx for plant air. Since we can’t figure out a way for us not to breathe and survive, then at least we can make sure that all that breathing does some good for the things that we really need to save which is of course plant life. If you cannot breathe on your own, and require a breathing machine or ventilator, you obviously will not be able to wear two different masks at the same time. Therefore you will be required to live in a facility that will collect all your CO2 in an airtight room located inside the CO2 collection and distribution center, at your own expense. You will not be able to leave this room until you no longer require assistance to breathe. If there is an extreme circumstance, in which you need to leave the facility, and after you receive clearance from a government official…you will be charged a “per breath tax” for every breath you take outside the facility. The breaths will be counted by your oxygen machine. If you are unable to afford to pay for breathing, are will not be allowed to do so anymore. BRILLIANT I know.

Idea #4: We all know drug companies are evil. We also know the drugs they make are normally evil. We all know there is a shortage of plants. Therefore, we create a chia pet that instead of growing what it normally does, it sprouts with marijuana. Every home will be required to maintain their marijuana chia pet. We do away will all drug companies and man made drugs, which will not only remove all their environmentally dangerous factories…but will do a multitude of other environmentally friendly things…like eliminating billions of those little plastic pill bottles that don’t decompose in landfills for centuries. No more Tylenol, heart medication, morphine, cough drops, Benadryl….nothing. Since every family will be maintaining a marijuana chia pet, that will be their main and only source of medicinal relief. If the smoking or ingesting of marijuana does not relieve your ailment…then you will be so high you will not care. Of course, marijuana does not cure any major diseases that we know of. Therefore, we will also get the added benefit of killing off all the sick people in the world. If your marijuana chia pet doesn’t solve the problem…well then, maybe it is nature’s way of telling you that you shouldn’t be around anymore. Natural selection. It’s Darwinian.

Well, kids, there you have it. 4 fab ideas that I believe have a chance to land me a free mansion. Tell me which one you think will do the trick. There’s bound to be at least one or more moronic executive, who is an elder in his community’s Church of Climatism who would be more than happy to entertain one or more of these, and reward me with a shirtless Ty Pennington and a huge house hidden by a bus. Wish me luck!

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Thanks Global Warming!

November 7, 2009

For making it so un-warm (cool to those of you that know global warming doesn’t exist) that I can use the new hat and scarf I knitted here in south Texas! I appreciate it!

Hat And Scarf

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Since When…

August 15, 2009

Since when is this….

worthy of more people advocating to save than this…

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Since when is this….

believed in more than this…

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Since when is this….

more of a priority than this….

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Since when is this….

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more popular than this…..

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Since when is this vote…….

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count the same as these…….

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Since when is this death…..

more of a news story than this death….

?????????

I am not sure when these things became the truth, and I am not sure why people accept them without question. We are a nation of proud people, who have now let other people tell us how to think, feel, believe, and act. When will we say enough is enough? I, for one, say now. Now….not since when anymore.

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The Alaskan Blob

July 17, 2009

    If you have not heard yet…there is a “blob” in the Arctic Ocean in Lake Chukchi. Its HUGE, black, it moves, and has “hair-like” strands. It smells of rotting fruit, and jellyfish and birds have even been caught up in its sticky ooze. Scientists have been trying to determine exactly what it is…but say it is definitely biological organism.

    Here’s how I think the two political sides will play this.

    Liberal:  You obviously have seen the Alaskan Blob right?

    Conservative:  Yes, I have.

    Liberal:  Well, are you going to admit global warming exists?  How else could that thing have been made?

    Conservative: No, its definitely not the proof I need for global warming to exist.

    Liberal: YOU ARE SO BLIND! Obviously the ocean is gelatinous and becoming one huge blob!

    Conservative:  I don’t think its gelatin.

    Liberal:  Then, Ms. I-Am-Always-Right…what is it?

    Conservative:  I have a good idea what it is.

    Liberal:  Then enlighten me…please.

    Conservative:  David Letterman, John Kerry, and Al Gore spew all kinds of crap directed at Sarah Palin and Alaska. Guess all that crap finally grouped together into one big blob of liberal excrement.

    Liberal:  I don’t understand.

    Conservative:  Basically, its Alaska’s way of saying

    Liberals love giving us shit, so we thought we’d give you some of it back.

    Liberal: Whatever, liberals still hate Sarah Palin.

    Conservative: I know, and that alone, makes me smile everyday.

    At least….that’s what I would say.

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    World Wildlife Fund FAIL

    July 12, 2009

    Ok, so people don’t get angry about the same things I get angry about…and I get that. Every single other normal American Citizen can just watch commercials, not get upset, and go about their daily business.  Not I.  So tonight, with the help of a friend of mine, we did something about it.

    I am sure you have all seen one of our favorite ER doctors and awesome Librarian, Noah Wylie with his super sad World Wildlife Fund ad.  Two little polar bears, sitting on a block of ice, seeming out in the middle of the ocean, jump off the block of ice because as we all know…it’s melting…into the warming ocean and swimming to England or somewhere.  Most likely, those polar bears were five feet from another larger land based chunk of ice..where the video team was shooting the clip from.

    This is an excerpt of an article from Christopher Booker of the Telegraph.co.uk about Dr. Mitchell Taylor, Polar Bear Biologist from the Department of the Environment, Government of Nunavut.

    Dr Mitchell Taylor has been researching the status and management of polar bears in Canada and around the Arctic Circle for 30 years, as both an academic and a government employee. More than once since 2006 he has made headlines by insisting that polar bear numbers, far from decreasing, are much higher than they were 30 years ago. Of the 19 different bear populations, almost all are increasing or at optimum levels, only two have for local reasons modestly declined.

    Dr. Mitchell Taylor has also claimed that polar bears numbers are no where near in the need of alarm, and that the WWF and other organizations have used polar bears to say that climate change is effecting species, one of the few species to live in such arctic climates to add to the hysteria surrounding global warming.

    So, back to my anger.

    I was sitting watching Clueless, a movie I am sure was based on my high school existence, and I had to see that Noah Wylie commercial like five times.  I called the number at the bottom of the screen.  I was on hold for like fifteen minutes, got more upset, and hung up.  I was upset not only because being on hold raises anger in everyone, but because apparently so many morons were being sucked in their commercial that they could not answer my call.  I expressed my anger to one of my friends, who said I should call back on three way.  Well after some technical difficulties related to my ignorance with three way calling, we figured it out.  Here’s a basic re-enactment of how the phone call went.

    Operator in sweet singsongy voice: Thank you for calling the World Wildlife Fund, would you like to make a donation today to save the worlds endangered animals?

    Me: Actually, I have a problem.  I have been watching my television and I have seen your polar bear ad like five times.  I wondered when you were going to stop airing it considering polar bears are not going extinct.

    Operator in suddenly not so nice voice: Well, ma’am they are still on the endangered species list, we are still concerned with their well being, so would you like to donate to help?

    Me: Well, if I thought they were going extinct…sure!  But they’re not.  Many scientist say they’re actually GROWING in numbers and not declining.  Sarah Palin, the former governor in Alaska where polar bears actually live, say it is so as well.  So it’s false advertisement and I wanted to know when I wouldn’t have to see it anymore.

    Operator in know-it-all-but-really-I-don’t tone: Polar bears live in Alaska and (list of places polar bears live like it made a difference to the argument at hand)

    Me: I am not saying polar bears only live in Alaska, I know they don’t.  But that doesn’t make up for the fact they are not endangered or going extinct.

    Operator in ANGRY tone: They are still on the endangered species list and have since (insert date here) 2008…so we will continue to care about them.  (Does that mean liberals only care about dying animals?  Just wondering) Then if not polar bears, what about panda bears?  Or the (some term I didn’t care enough to actually remember) tiger? Would you like to donate to help them?

    Me: Actually I think the way to save any “endangered” species is to make it legal to kill them, make fur coats out of them, eat them, and then if people could make money off of them they would breed them like we do cows and chickens.  Are cows and chickens in danger of becoming as you say “extinct”?  No?  Thats because people know they can make money off of them. (Hence the beauty of CAPITALISM)

    Somewhere in that last statement of mine the kind animal loving operator hung up.

    My friend:  Jen, he hung up on you.

    My friend and I:  Lots and lots of laughter

    It was classic.  I said, “Did you hear how angry he got when I said what I said to begin with?”  My friend answered in the affirmative.  I then conceded, “Guess they aren’t too fond when they can’t argue with someone who they know is right.”

    Sorry World Wildlife Fund….but that….was a major fail.  Next time, ask me maybe twelve MORE times if I would like to donate money and maybe it will get your point across that you actually care more about being accurate than being well ‘fund’ed.  At least now they know they have made someone else angry BESIDES Vince McMahon.