Well, people with nothing better to do than read what I write, you may or may not know that currently I am between homes. We are eventually going to end up in Bethesda, MD but have yet to fill the “roof over our heads” requirement. While flipping through the 200 channels of television that I am currently leaching off of in my sister-in-law’s house, I settled on watching “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”. I figured I could live vicariously through a grief-stricken family whose problems would all be solved with a new mansion and designer furniture. After all, I can totally relate. Most of the families on that show I would agree are worthy of the charity of others to help them out with their dire straits. Not the case with the family I saw on my screen yesterday. Basically, their situation wasn’t nearly as severe as most of the cases I have seen, but the 13 year old son in the family had been rewarded for creating a solar-powered heating solution for their house out of 60 soda cans, some Plexiglas, and old radiator. He wanted his new house to be “green”, and as we all know…if there is an opportunity for ABC to promote their liberal agenda they will jump at it. I am not so judgmental as to say the family didn’t need a new home, but I am sure the fact they provided a chance for ABC to spend an hour preaching about the environment helped in the executive decision to pick their application.
So, the wheels in my head started turning. I need a house. ABC gives away houses to people who create “green” solutions. If I came up with an awesome idea to save the planet from the “Inconvenient Truth” of it’s demise…then I wouldn’t have to find a house! I mean if Tinkerbell can come up with the idea of using energy-efficient light bulbs than certainly I could think of an idea that no one else has had for the environment. Just because I don’t believe in global warming doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to be a savior from it. In fact, in the handbook entitled “How To Be A Messiah For The Church of Climatism” it clearly states that hypocrisy is indeed one of the requirements. Like John Travolta having solar panels on his roof and a jumbo jet he flies regularly in driveway, or throwing a rock concert to raise money for the environment while serving all the drinks in Styrofoam cups and having the most elaborate fuel and black powder powered pyrotechnics show ever. It’s all good in their eyes. Why should I pay green for a house when being green can get me one for free? I can be green for a few days….even though it’s totally not in my color palette. I’m a winter.
Now, here is where I need your help. I have to pick one idea from the list below to submit and get my house. I don’t mean to brag, but they are all very original and fabulous ideas. Thinking like a liberal was not as hard as I imagined! I just thought of something that requires natural resources and then replaced it with something that had all the reason and intelligence taken out of it! It was as easy as Ashley Biden after a frat party. Without further adieu, here they are.
Idea #1: Create a federal mandate that all humans must wear solar panels attached to either a headband (for the chicks) or a baseball hat (for the dudes). That way whenever anyone gets a bright idea, they won’t be wasting electricity when that little light bulb comes on over their head. This will save an immense amount of electricity in a majority of the population. Of course there will be places in which it won’t make that much of a difference since there are areas where bright ideas rarely happen, such as the University of California- Berkley and the MSNBC headquarters, just to name a few.
Idea #2: Put a ban on stoves, grills and microwaves. People these days are entirely way too pampered and greedy. They go to work, come home, and wantt a HOT meal on the table. Well, HELLO…all that heat that goes somewhere when you remove your food from oven. That’s right…it goes into the AIR! The air that is already too warm! Most people even have the audacity to BOIL WATER to make food. Have they not heard that all the water on Earth is too warm as it is? Therefore, if we start a cold food revolution, we can reduce the amount of air that is being made warm by a large percentage. What else will removing hot food do? Well, most food that has to be heated to a certain temperature for health reasons is either meat based or at least comes from animals. We will force the world to become vegetarian and save all the little chickens, cows, ducks, lambs, and China’s cats and dogs from possible extinction. It’s a win/win!
Idea #3: We humans do something everyday, a millions times a day, without even thinking about it, that is killing our planet. Breathing. Carbon Dioxide flows rapidly out of our mouths…swirling around in the atmosphere…creating more greenhouse gases and destroying our climate. Our leafy little companions though, plants and trees, need CO2 to survive. Therefore, I propose we require all humans to breathe into a mask that is hooked to a containment device which can be carried around in a backpack. Then, once the container is full, we take it to a local CO2 collection and distribution center which we set up in every town. Then, we invent tiny little breathing machines that directly put the CO2 into the plants and trees, reducing the need for us put that CO2 into air where it may or may not reach plants that need it. It’s kind of like a FedEx for plant air. Since we can’t figure out a way for us not to breathe and survive, then at least we can make sure that all that breathing does some good for the things that we really need to save which is of course plant life. If you cannot breathe on your own, and require a breathing machine or ventilator, you obviously will not be able to wear two different masks at the same time. Therefore you will be required to live in a facility that will collect all your CO2 in an airtight room located inside the CO2 collection and distribution center, at your own expense. You will not be able to leave this room until you no longer require assistance to breathe. If there is an extreme circumstance, in which you need to leave the facility, and after you receive clearance from a government official…you will be charged a “per breath tax” for every breath you take outside the facility. The breaths will be counted by your oxygen machine. If you are unable to afford to pay for breathing, are will not be allowed to do so anymore. BRILLIANT I know.
Idea #4: We all know drug companies are evil. We also know the drugs they make are normally evil. We all know there is a shortage of plants. Therefore, we create a chia pet that instead of growing what it normally does, it sprouts with marijuana. Every home will be required to maintain their marijuana chia pet. We do away will all drug companies and man made drugs, which will not only remove all their environmentally dangerous factories…but will do a multitude of other environmentally friendly things…like eliminating billions of those little plastic pill bottles that don’t decompose in landfills for centuries. No more Tylenol, heart medication, morphine, cough drops, Benadryl….nothing. Since every family will be maintaining a marijuana chia pet, that will be their main and only source of medicinal relief. If the smoking or ingesting of marijuana does not relieve your ailment…then you will be so high you will not care. Of course, marijuana does not cure any major diseases that we know of. Therefore, we will also get the added benefit of killing off all the sick people in the world. If your marijuana chia pet doesn’t solve the problem…well then, maybe it is nature’s way of telling you that you shouldn’t be around anymore. Natural selection. It’s Darwinian.
Well, kids, there you have it. 4 fab ideas that I believe have a chance to land me a free mansion. Tell me which one you think will do the trick. There’s bound to be at least one or more moronic executive, who is an elder in his community’s Church of Climatism who would be more than happy to entertain one or more of these, and reward me with a shirtless Ty Pennington and a huge house hidden by a bus. Wish me luck!